Melancholy; Past & Future

I live in the Past & the Future.  When something happens and puts a different perspective on the particular thing, mostly if it’s part of my like/love system, it’ll move from Future to Past for me and take on a whole new meaning.

Linkin Park is such a thing. I really like them. I’d have said that before July 20th.  Since that day though, I LOVE them.

I had all the time left to me to explore their catalog at any moment, Future.

Their entire catalog of music is now Past.

Inside I felt intense trauma when I learned of Chester’s fate. Never to hear that voice in the Future again. [Too many of them in the past year,] this one meant all the more to me, what a revelation that was. I really loved Chester’s vocals. The clarity, the meaning of the lyrics, heartbreaking stuff.

I didn’t grow up in a wonderful household, my Dad was a great person, well loved by others, but very much a terrible man inside the home. He had an uncontrollable temper, and what he’d say and do could be horrific. Episodes. Over the years the Episodes grew, great horrible evenings hiding in the yard … painful memories. What, why, when, again. WHY!!!?!!?!?!!!!

Eventually he fell into Dementia, regressing to a baby. Such a pitiful downfall. And we all moved on.

I didn’t have a good relationship with my mother either. She was non-understanding, the good heart she had was put into writing poems and making judgments from her 1950’s  Bible college education.

I had one memory of feeling mother-daughter. Late autumn [I was 9 or 10] we were downtown, picking out a present for my teacher (Christmas) we went to a grill and had a hot dog and  hot cocoa. All warm and fuzzy. The attention was one on one like never before or again.

I know others have it worse than I ever did. I say this all just because of music and what it can do for us, it’s cathartic. But so many of the singers are overcome’d instead. It doubles the meaning of their music.

Faith in God is important, it’s the very basic to Christianity. I believe that being a Christian doesn’t solve every life problem. Personality and experiences make each of us unique and any amount of traumatic past will impact emotions, and how we relate to anything, anyone, but taking one’s life is anathema. It’s horrible.

Plainly they … I don’t know. But I enjoy their past recordings and mourn their passing. It puts me into an extremely melancholy existence for a long, long time.

It’s part of my personality, I like dark, dank, stuff. And spiders and snakes.

I hope Linkin Park will stay together and figure out how to make music again.