I am ADHD (not diagnosed)

I have lived my life in a crazy intoxicating way. I have made some bad decisions and all in all survived, though didn’t exactly ever thrive.

I have never been diagnosed and won’t ever be probably. I don’t “HAVE” ADHD. It’s not a disease. I have a neurological difference from normal people. It’s not horrible, just horrible for everyone else mostly and annoying at times for me.

ADHD isn’t all there is about me. I also have a guts problem and migraines, childhood trauma. Events through life that are traumatic as well.

I also have a personality, it’s already a very odd one, ILI (INTp) Intuitive Logical Introvert. Add in impulsivity, lower hyperactivity than some but still kinda hyperactive, and with aging makes energy a problem for me the last several years. Yes, I am female, all so much a problem for me to feel to I am female human. I don’t feel like that, but look and are one. Does that make sense?

I won’t seek diagnosis because I am female.

So I have had GABA supplements, as well as Huperzine-A, ALCAR, and others.

I have always been keen on muscle and brain supplements, cognitive improvements.

I really liked Huperzine-A and GABA but I wasn’t thinking about them in terms of ADHD problems.

Lately my daughter and I were talking about ADHD, and it got me thinking about it, reinventing the wheel, I thought Huperzine-A would be great for Focus ADHD med replacement.

Others already thought of that.

The thing is, I don’t have those people in any way shape or form in my life.

Solely online places, and I haven’t found a free source of really good magnitude that helps with supplements.

Sensitive, Sensory, Allergic, on and on my issues go.

I took Huperzine-A in the afternoon day before yesterday, and then again this morning, and will every morning for a week.

First two are really great. Thinking about it, I have a clearer brain and have less impulses. A great starting point.

I had to learn how to force make a memory when doing thing in order to be sure I’d done what I had done.

Like: Make a cup of coffee with a K-Cup. Be sure I made an internal video of me opening the machine, taking out old pod putting a fresh pod in. Be sure I put a coffee mug in place. Be sure I hit the brew button.

If I didn’t do that, I’d end up with a weak cup of coffee using an old pod. Or coffee spilled all over, no mug in place.

Or the coffee didn’t brew, did I change the pod or not? Oh no!

Like: Go out into the yard, walk around, go back to go inside and the door is locked, walk around and see about the other doors and find only one unlocked, and you can’t remember that is where you actually went out. But it is.

Make memories, force them, and you can be sure.

Two doses of Huperzine-A and it’s more like I know I went out that door. I know what I’m doing and what I did. Much more present feeling.

Something happens and I can just say something… but now I can hold the thought in.

Think of something gotta find the person to tell them immediately… but now I can wait until I see them and tell them when it’s convenient for them.

I feel more energy, more clarity, more balance. I have a future to improve. Yay.

I’ve lived a lot of years, and feel less of a person than most do. I struggle.

I accepted who I was years ago and got through everything with growing anxiety and loss of energy. Coupled with the usual ADHD things.

Those days are hopefully behind me now. (hahaha)

More energy, focus, structure adherence. I still have migraines to contend with though.

My hyperactivity plagues me like when sleeping, I awake and I HAVE to get up. If I can’t sleep during the night, I can’t stay trying. I must DO something.

I’m going crazy with carpal tunnel syndrome and not being able to do much of anything. Only gaming I can do is touchscreen thing on my phone or laptop, mostly match-3 games. I play them ad nauseum at times, my carpal isn’t bothering me with touch screen use the last couple of weeks, thank God. Otherwise it used to be painful to text a short message. That was quite miserable.

So then reading more on autism. My life fits a very solid edge of that spectrum.

It makes more sense viewing how my inner and outer life, at home or out and about are. I have had a great life in some ways, at home. Project that I loved doing, installing the floors, refinishing a few pieces of furniture … always something with INTENSE Focus, breathing and spewing information about it like there is nothing else in the world going on anywhere.

Friends were always difficult. My bestest friend ever was very much on my wavelength. I lost touch because I was getting married and she moved away to a new job in the middle of that. My husband was my only friend. My children I love. But now I’m beyond child making and I just hate being female.

Things I love used to do, fireworks for 4th of July. I had the energy and excitement for days and days beforehand, and a thrilling night of shooting things off.

Not anymore, hubby thinks we just can’t afford them.

Nope, can’t afford to make me happier. Thanks.

It’s not about spending lots, it’s about getting a few right things, that’s all.

Carpal issues are the bane of my existence. I think about me all the more and see my weirdo self too well.

As it is, my PSN name is Crazy-Maisy.