Motherless

My Mother died near the end of last week. Her funeral is today. She’ll be buried next to my Father, her first husband. Unfortunately for her, I do believe, she married someone else a few years after her husband/my father died, and that was only a couple of years ago. I wished her to stay “widowed”, knowing it would be really nice for her, to have the last years uncluttered, to “find a better place for herself” … but … it didn’t go that way.

The event is in S. FL. Land of Too-Hot-To-Handle IMVHO. I lived there for over 17 years, so I know how it is. Can you imagine a 2pm burial at a cemetery with no shade trees nearby, temps over 90 degrees. That’s what it’s supposed to be like.

I didn’t have the best relationship with my mother through the years, especially the last several. I will not be at the cemetery site, at least I won’t be at the grave site, neither will I allow my children to be there. I was forced to be right by the hole for my father’s burial, not knowing I was being elbowed there at the time and had no way to get away when I realized where “they” were putting me. Ugh. It was the end of December and about 80 degrees … insane for “winter” in Florida, so it was enough of a bad thing for me to steer totally clear of an April burial there. I really don’t have much idea of why we are going since I shun receiving lines (I didn’t even have one at my very own wedding, btw) … I’m an INTP, which means I am very much not going to talk about internal things to people I am not close to, like anyone that isn’t living with me since I do not have any friends that live anywhere near me. Stuff that people say to you when someone in your family dies, ugh, I just have no “program in me” to receive that sort of data/emotion from others.

Like when I lost my 4th baby, in early stage of being put together in me, I felt deep loss, but didn’t want to share it with people other then hubby, and then not even him much, and people at church, it made me want to hide if they looked at me even. I talked to a couple of people later, in the dark outside about it rather deeply since they had lost a baby too, but anyone else, ugh, ugh, ugh I couldn’t say or take any info about sympathies from them. I didn’t have many given anyhow though, I wouldn’t have minded cards about it, but didn’t get but ONE from one person at church, and it wasn’t anyone close to me in any way, which the lack of them from others hurt in that case.

That’s how things are with me. On any kind of day, if someone asks me How are you doing” I will always almost always say something like “Fine” or “O.K” while shrugging my shoulders and making some kind of face to go with it. I don’t like answering such things … it’s way to personal and no one but hardly anyone will get that sort of stuff out of me, the truth, in other words, it’s hidden away for sure.