A Blank Slate

The idea of a blank slate at the beginning of a year is compelling. No one really has one though.

For me I don’t. Yet I do in some ways, not good for the most. Nearly a week ago my blues kicked into high gear SAD or worse, I don’t know. I just don’t like much of anything now. I don’t feel anything. I don’t care. I can do things. I have to MAKE myself do things. Like write this.

Starset’s Transmissions and Vessels is the one thing getting me, or The Cure Disintegration, or The Smiths How Soon Is Now? Piroshka’s Everlastingly Yours sounds just as good as when I first heard it. All these things are about darkness, but don’t all sound the same. FWIW

All staples in the past, with many other things, but now I don’t like much. I can tolerate things, but get little to no pleasure, some things trigger me to turn them off though.

Something truly funny in a show, like in Season 3 of Unfortunate Events on Netflix, can make me kinda laugh, for a second.

I have things I must do, and things I care about, family, food, etc. But I don’t overall really feel anything, just remote actions.

I quit playing Tetris Effect the day I realized I felt nothing. I can play Warframe, since I have played it on PS4 since early 2014. I can go on mission and kill. It doesn’t feel anything, mild annoyance when something happens in the game, but mostly not even that.

For me this is not normal. I usually feel misery quite well. ILI, INTp, fun is dark and … uh, now, nothing is fun. Nothing.