I never have felt like our bedroom was mine

I wished to think it was mine or at least half of it was. I have been sleeping elsewhere in the house because of sleep issues and even though I have these issues still it’s better sleep I get now because of I sleep better alone.

Also I tried to get a routine for bed going a few years ago, before everything went totally south for me. All sorts of issues caused me to just prefer sleeping on the couch most of the time.

After awhile I did go back to sleeping upstairs in our room, but I’d lay there is terror that anything would happen which would disrupt my trying to go to sleep.

I know it’s because of my husband’s alcohol use, it triggered me relentlessly. Also post-menopause misery just working on me terribly. I can’t stand to be touched and I did also way back at the beginning of my menopause stuff.

I used to be some kind of ok with stuff, just not a hugger, or snuggler ever. I also am very sensitive in my body, eyes, nose, touch, but it wasn’t all bad, I liked holding hands and stuff and getting married and having babies… I miss that.

I do love my husband and I do love my family. I’m very ADHD and Autistic and know I have trouble showing it, I try through cooking but since I am AuDHD I like some things more than others, and I don’t like some of stuff they do, it’s a very difficult way to live.

I am just SO sensitive to smells, always and ever more sensitive to things they make my head scream inside. I like lavender hand soap liquid. We had Basil once and I made me so mad, so nausea, so much pain. And one of my kids moved back bringing that into the house. OMG.

So well everything is so upside down lately. Like I am in a house more than is than my home. Everything is so horrible. My kitchen, is not my kitchen.

My bed is not my bed. I have no say in that. My husband wanted to have his desk table in the bedroom to have his office there. That mean pushing the bed to the window, and my side is that side. My bedside table that is a writing desk sort of thing had to be taken out and my Grandma’s Trunk had to move out and my rocking chair, gone.

So I say I want to move things around in the living room so I can have my rocking chair there, and my writing desk in the corner to use my laptop there, and sewing, etc.

Family doubts me about every thing I do or say.

I loved them and brought them up in love. There is none out there. Just me, alone and crying.

So my promise to my husband is that if I can get better and my horrid body will not betray me would sleep there some, and now my bed will be put into storage and a smaller one put there for him and I will not be there no no no. Not that I can, I cannot because sleeping or laying there is just horrible no matter what, so I have to sleep in my terror by myself.

Doctors can’t help me. I don’t know what is up. I’m 20 days into my daily evening meds.

It doesn’t take all my pain to a better place. I can’t get rid of this swelling or inflammation or fluid retention, whatever it is.

Nothing works well, I end up using my 9 Eletriptan mostly early, and then when I do have a bad one rearing up, I have to either not take Ibuprofen, take Excedrin instead, or if I took Ibuprofen already, then I have to take Eletriptan or suffer.

I had a few left when I got a new prescription on Jul 17, so I use them then let myself use the newer Eletriptan after that, so since Jul 17 I have had 9 Eletriptan already. I am always upset about this. How do I that. Why, why, why.

So I think this med I have for migraine having less is not really working.

I usually have chronic migraine feelings in my left side of head frequently, more than not. Anything can make it get worse, no one seems to care about how thing too loud, to negative, to chaotic can make migraines just horrible.

I am so groggy and miserable in the morning since starting this. I am not a morning person but on this meds I am sooooooooo nooooot not a morning person.

I always need time, and aloneness and damn I miss having coffee whenever I want it.

So doc won’t let me have HRT because of my Migraines. that stuff sooooo would have helped my dopamine desert.

This daily med is sometimes used for ADHD so I don’t know why, it’s making me feel weird, flat the first week, feel more after that but I miss my mind. I may have had some fog, but this feels like a fog bank.

I might be sleeping better but I’m having arm and hand problems worse right now. How is it to everything. I struggle all day to get to use my hands and then I get to go to sleep again.

Oh well, I feel AuDHD and that is me. I belong nowhere.