I am Autistic. Self-Diagnosed in 2024. Right before turning 58. I can’t afford a professional diagnosis. That is the definition of Late Diagnosis.
Call me AuDHD though, I already had self-diagnosed ADHD many years ago. Current versions are C for combined, I for inattentive primarily, H for hyperactive primarily. I’d say I am ADHD-Combined and Autistic Level 1 1/2 to get granular about it all.
I have intensity that doesn’t quit, but extremely shy to a painful level to strangers or people in general that don’t live with me. That shy paints me all my life as an introvert, but I am not really, just that weird autistic shy.
I’ve been known as quirky, eclectic, intense, interesting, quiet, loud, shy.
I have a very long memory. I can remember things from when my Grandpa was working in the kitchen putting a laundry shoot in from the upstairs. He died in 1970, I was 3 1/2 years old when he died. I have that Christmas story of my mother not dressing me properly, I was very young for that.
I remember spinning and spinning and spinning and spinning and spinning in the living room. The same space you see in the pic below of me watching tv.
I remember watching TV, I have a photo of one of those times … It could have been Speed Racer, or Star Trek, or Johnny Quest, or Mighty Mouse, or Captain Kangaroo
Collecting…
I collected Boyds Bears for a long time. *
I collected many LEGO sets. *
I collected LP’s, CD’s. * as kid bought LP’s and it’s continued on …
I collected VHS movies. Then DVD movies and TV shows. *
Now I collect Blu-ray Movies and some 4K movies. Blu-ray TV shows and sometimes DVD TV shows still. Also still collect some CD’s. *
I have my music, TV shows and Movies on my own server. *
I like tracking what I listen to with Last.fm and what I watch with Trakt.tv *
I take photographs of things outside and cats inside and mostly closeups and some landscape for weather, sunrise, autumn, spring etc. Also some night photography, still learning about that. *
Specializing Equipment…
I like having a Desktop that I build, and a really nice laptop and a pretty nice tablet and a very nice phone:
- Desktop will have turned 5 in December 2024.
- Phone was purchased in July 2024 (S24 Ultra)
- Tablet was purchased in July 2024 (S9+)
- Laptop was purchased Oct 12, 2023, (Asus Zenbook Pro 14″ OLED i9-13900H w Nvidia RTX-4070)
Education & Moving
Kindergarten and 1st Grade in Easton, where I was born
2nd Grade in Williamsport, where we moved when I was 7, had 3 + part of 4 period out of 6 at that school, then mother was hospitalized for nervous mysterious issues and we were all farmed out to relatives for the rest of the school year. I finished 2nd Grade in Allentown.
3rd through 7th Grades were in Williamsport. 6th grade our class had a musical production of Alice in Wonderland, I got the role of Alice. It was awesome!
8th Grade started and my life imploded (Story 18) Dad went to Florida for a week in late September of my 8th grade year, and came home and made us pack up and sold off a bunch of our stuff then packed what we could in our horrible old car and drove to Deerfield Beach area in Florida. I was thrust into a new school therefore and not allowed to participate in special things like Music/Choir because I wasn’t there in them in the previous year. WTF? I lived in another State, duh. Regardless, I heard them perform later and was like “whew! dodged that one!” Their choir was embarrassingly horrible.
9th grade was what it was while it lasted. I quit going, it was going to kill me if I kept going. I read books (a lot were Reader Digest Condensed Books) and watched old movies on PBS. Quite an education.
So for next school year we moved to a new city, and I tried 9th grade again, horrible but I had study period in the theater with the theater teacher and she was so great I love her and she really liked me, but it was just study period, I wasn’t in any of the arts classes. Florida really sucks about allowing kids from other States to partake in the good stuff.
The next year, for 10th grade, my mom made a deal with our church’s school to clean the buildings afterhours and I could go to school there at their private Christian school. Some of the worst bullying came there, teachers too. I got through 10th, and through most of 11th, but the end of the year I got so sick with my cycle, but then dragged myself there for a practice that was necessary for choir. And was screamed at for not being there the days before. Medically I had a reason and Fuck them. I walked out and never went back. Got my GED eventually.
Also when to college for a couple of years, but didn’t get any degree.
I almost joined the Navy, but my college wasn’t accredited properly in their eyes, so I’d have to go back to school for a class or two to allow transfer and then allowable accrediting and so could have delayed entry. “No thanks!”
I fantasize about my life if we’d just stayed in Easton or Williamsport, what a different life I might have had. How all that ruination of my school life was too much for me. I love learning. Just hate being bullied, hate having good classes held from me, hated how being in choirs was great but how nobody else could do their own part but I could do everyone else’s and mine.
As I grew up I sang in small groups and duets and solos and such … in college I was in a girls touring group for the college. I sang solos at a big Presbyterian church I went to in my twenties.
Met the guy who was going to be my husband there. I knew it after a couple of weeks, just didn’t tell him. I impulsively wished to push it out there, but held it back.
In the end it was him who was impulsive. Asked me to marry him sitting in his vehicle in front of my parents house before pulling the car out and heading over to the baseball single A team we were going to.
Another fantasy to create, being in the stands. Just a bit nicer. In the end I could have said, “lets get to the ball park first.” but I didn’t. I’d been waiting for 6 months. I blurted out “yes.”
He has inattentive ADHD. I know he does and that’s that. I have Autism and ADHD. Hurray! I have a shy autism. I’m like an introvert sort of, but in the end I know that’s not it. I’m just shy autism and can talk up a storm, events kill me, but it’s worse than being an introvert. I need autistic recovery time. Always have.
I missed so much school in my young years. “Sick” sometimes something bad, like when I was 7 I had walking pneumonia. Usually it was a “My tummy doesn’t feel good” excuse. Just stay home reading on my bed. 🙂 Often it’d be such a nice day out after school hours and I’d want to go outside even though I was “sick” hmph. No accommodations my whole life. I have had a better time as a stay at home mother but there have been thing happening that make it too hard sometimes, and non-understanding from others.
I have done Amazon Vine twice now, and I just failed again, I don’t care. I just need not to do it again. I like the novelty, hate the paper work. 🙂 I was doing great for a long while. Did so much of the “paper work” then just dropped it all.
I got obsessed with playing Warframe any day I could. I’d start playing as long as my fingers lost their reactiveness. All day into the night.
Now I’m obsessed with finding YouTube videos to watch.
Stories…
I’ll add photos as I find them:
Story 1
I was a baby, my mother walked into the room, I was in the crib, saw her, lifted myself and said “HI”
Apparently.
Story 2
I was very young. I had a lot of boo-boos (in fact, that’s what my siblings called me, Boo-Boo). Christmas I had a big one on my chin. I hated it.
Even worse, my mother put me into tights and a shirt and made me go downstairs like that, because there were no clean pants.
WTF is all I can think now, but then I was trying to tell her to put a dress on me instead of … the very embarrassing way she dressed me. She didn’t listen to me.
I was mortified.
Story 3
My mother hurt her eye on a grocery bag walking home from the store. I recall she was out of it, and then there was a knock at the door. I saw her standing there, silhouetted in the bright light.
My brother had been hit by a car. (He was a couple of years older than me.)
My life changed for the worse right there. I was Two.
Story 4
Sometime later we were all in the basement, my whole family. I was about 5 or 6.
I saw a stack of clothing, and was super enthusiastic about them, wanted to wear them and insisted on it.
Only later was I let to know those were my brothers clothes which he was wearing when he was hit by the car.
Story 5
I was in Kindergarten, my closest (in age) sister and I went to the same elementary school. We’d walk home for lunch.
We had sherbet after lunch. I was very happy, I loved sherbet.
After my mother served us I found strings of stuff in my sherbet. UGH
I never ate sherbet again. Blech.
Story 6
I’d put peas and beans and beef into my pockets during dinner. I didn’t like them.
I away got away with it, I don’t know why.
Story 7
Our family went camping when I was Four. Station wagon, tents, an old man thought our family was nice, bought us ice cream there.
We were going on a hike. I ran ahead, and my sisters were over impressed that I stayed on the trail, like it should have been hard to know it was there and I was just like … what, it’s obvious.
Story 8
We came home from church and the fish in our fish bowl were dead and there was a pair of tweezers on the bottom of the bowl.
I was blamed. I didn’t do it.
They said I had wanted to hold the fish, so that proved it.
Why would I do that? I loved them swimming. How could I have done that and not known I had?
Never solved the who dun it. (They all blame me to this day.)
Story 9
We had a piano, I made up a song: high notes were corny (person), low notes were green bean (monster) and thunderous low notes for the haunted house.
Story 10
Dreams involved my friend from across the street, in her backyard on the swingset, a giant came into the scene, big round feet in sneakers and big fat stick lower legs only parts visible. My friend ran away, abandoning me, I didn’t escape, but dream ended before I got caught. This dream repeated often.
Story 11
I was itchy as a kid, itchy my whole life, things make me itch. I love real silk, cotton. I don’t like synthetic stuff much to varying levels of disgust.
I almost always was uncomfortable in clothing and would rip it off when got home. T-shirt and bike shorts.
Stay at home mom since 29 years old. T-shirts for the most part, tried to have some nice clothing but gave up on that and only use T-shirts and easy to put on and off pants, sneakers. Always wear wool socks. Hug my feet 🙂
Story 12
Stomach/Guts issues, aches, pain, and eventually got –maybe– carpal tunnel syndrome when 57 years old. Still trying to figure it out
Story 13
Little People were my toy of choice, Little House on the Prairie books, Black Stallion books (all the authors books actually), learned how to sew and made many of my own things, made the crinoline for my wedding dress (couldn’t buy one that I liked.) Made some baby clothing too, for my boys. 3 boys, 1 girl. Put in wood flooring for our house. Refinished furniture by sanding then staining/finishing with coffee and my own beeswax formula. I love woodworking but have done mostly weird stuff with leftover flooring.
Story 14
I was Four, and wanted my mother to make me a felt stuffed play house. It had windows and a door, a roof, all made of dark green felt. She couldn’t understand what I wanted. I can still see it in my mind today, more than 50 years later. Sure it was a tall order, but it was so simple in my young mind to make. I had total confidence in her. Oh well.
Story 15
Every night at dinner, my husband gets done first and gets up from the table usually. Eventually he goes to the sink and starts washing dishes. Thing is, I’m still eating. Everyone else is done and it’s just me slowly eating as usually I do. Not that I’m so very slow, just everyone else are very fast, or pretty fast eaters.
My head hurts, filled with horrible noises and I want to scream. All my life this was an issue, and only now, this year, do I know it’s because of sensitivity connected to Autism and it’s not me being ridiculous.
I can’t stop him from doing the dishes while I’m eating, so I stop eating, abandon my food.
Story 16
When I was little, probably 8 years old, 1974, my father roped my sister in to play a Christmas Morning gift prank on me.
“Here’s a present” throws it to my sister, indicating it was for me, and it fell short hit the ground and glass shattering was so audible.
He made her pick it up and give it to me anyway.
Feigned feeling sorry for me, “open it anyway please!”
Here we are now in my mind. This was all too setup. Why does my father hate me so much!
Christmas was so magical and promising, dashed to pieces …
I opened the present, clouds of dust wafted out. It was filled with dirt and broken glass. (I could hear my mother “Oh Wayne!”)
Father beside-himself laughing so hard and long.
I sat there stewing as anger grew… and my next move … I don’t know. I’m guessing I was out of my mind.
Come to find out years later, my “Love Language” is receiving gifts. A very vulnerable love language.
Story 17
Selfies? We didn’t have those back when I was a kid or teen.
I have gooney looking me photos from film cameras though. Precious film wasted on me.
I was at a Salvation Army store with my family when I was in 6th grade, I found these wonderful HeeHaw denim overalls, my size. What a find! I mean real HeeHaw comic themed overalls. I’m embarrassed to death thinking of it. I wore them to school.
I can see me back then in my mind, I play through that like a movie … sickening.
Story 18
Screamed and Pleaded with my parents to let me stay with our neighbors when my family moved to Florida. I wanted to go to my school. Stay and flourish. their daughter was my age and she was my bestie. I was 13.
Forced to move, Hell ensued. Florida schools are horrible. I wanted to run away, but didn’t have the guts to do that.
Story 19
(Receiving Gifts is my Love Language. Realizing all my life was AuDHD last year and not just the ADHD I though I had as an INTp.) HTC Evo View tablet was released near my birthday, but not available in our area until right after. I knew I was getting one, but my hubby thought or pretended, don’t know which, he brought me to the phone store and sat me down at their counter, obviously planned this out, I felt so stupid sitting there, the employee was getting the item from the back and came in unboxing it and was like “I bet your EXCITED!” very emotively and I was like, “Yeah.” So stoic. Barely audible. LOL I couldn’t show excitement at all, I wasn’t home unwrapping it. I really don’t think I ever said much about it. Anyway I had to make them give me a pen for it because it was supposed to come with it at that store. She acted like I was asking for the Moon. I really cringe thinking about that whole event so often still.
It’s what I wanted, but I wanted it differently.
Story 20
…. coming soon
Notes
*=As an Adult